Addendum to My First Coaching Session
February 26th, 2008 Posted in Mumble“Hey, you can do that!”
“You know you have the ability to do such a thing…”
I have always encouraged my friends like that. Those remarks were not merely based on “white lies.” I truly believed they could if they really wanted to.
Well, it is easy to encourage others, but hard to push myself.
In fact, I realized that I don’t love myself as much as I do others.
That’s insane.
I have always used up all my resources for others, and for the loved ones, I knew I would sacrifice my life.
Then, why can’t I do that to myselfe?! Why can’t I love myself that much so that I would risk anything?! Where is this coming from?
By showing such love, do I secretly hope that someday someone might love me back?
It seems to be true.
I am not worthy of love, but others are. This has been the hidden mantra.
I knew it somewhere, but I hadn’t dare admitted it.
I know what past experiences influenced in formning such low self-esteem. I thought I had already recovered from it. (I cannot share the stories here because this blog is too public, even though no one comes to visit it.)
However, recent work situation brought back that memory, and I feel stuck in the ditch.
Hello, depressed self, how are you? Yeah right, I am depressed.
In the last half year, I could feel that I was not being myself. No one believes that, but it is true.
You could say I am ill.
Besides the painful past experiences, I think my believe that I should devote myself to others’ needs comes from my mother’s mantra: “You are strong, good, and healthy kid.”
I don’t want to pretend that I am strong.
I am sick of being good.
I don’t want to fake that I am healthier than I really am. (I want to say it hurts when it does.)
Don’t take me wrong. I am not complaing about my mother’s mantra. I appreciate the way she raised me. However, I have witnessed how she lived her life that way. She never complained about being mistreated by my father (her husband).
And I carry that burden.
Well, to tell you the truth, it was the first time that I realized this. So, I am grateful for having such a great coaching session.
Thank you, Coach Nishimura.